Neither a Borrower Nor a Lender Be

What do you get when you combine money and friendship? Nothing. That’s right. You often lose both. As Lord Polonius opined to his son and daughter in Shakespeare’s Hamlet, “Neither a borrower nor a lender be, For loan oft loses both itself and friend…”

If we want to learn what Proverbs teaches us about friendship, we don’t get far before finances come into view. The first significant passage on friendship appears in 6:1-5:

My son, if you become surety for your friend,
If you have shaken hands in pledge for a stranger,
You are snared by the words of your mouth;
You are taken by the words of your mouth.
So do this, my son, and deliver yourself;
For you have come into the hand of your friend:
Go and humble yourself;
Plead with your friend.
Give no sleep to your eyes,
Nor slumber to your eyelids.
Deliver yourself like a gazelle from the hand of the hunter,
And like a bird from the hand of the fowler.

We might react strongly to passages like this. “What if my friend is in need? Shouldn’t I be the first to help him? What’s wrong with loaning him a few hundred dollars?” The truth is, money does strange things to people. Have you ever had a front seat to siblings squabbling over their parent's inheritance? Unchecked greed or feelings of being unfairly treated can threaten even the closest families.

Similarly, money can destroy friendships. Proverbs 17:18 reads, “A man devoid of understanding shakes hands in a pledge, and becomes surety for his friend.” Those are strong words! But as Proverbs 6 indicates, if you did loan your friend money and then woke up and realized your mistake, do everything in your power to be released from that agreement. Dave Ramsey calls this urgency “gazelle intensity” based on this passage.

Loaning money to a friend strains the relationship and can often result in losing that friend. In Jesus’ parables, debts are compared to sins; they come between two people and cause a rift to slowly widen.

What then is the alternative? While it is foolish to loan money, it can be wise and gracious to give money to a friend in need. If God has blessed you and your needs are cared for, you can be generous with any extra that you might possess. “The generous soul will be made rich, and he who waters will also be watered himself” (Proverbs 11:25). When we give to true needs – not enabling a bad habit – we imitate the kindness and generosity of God.

Generosity to the needy is commended throughout Proverbs (14:21; 19:17; 22:9; 28:27). In the case of a friend or acquaintance, Proverbs 3:27-28 commands, “Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in the power of your hand to do so. Do not say to your neighbor, ‘Go and come back, and tomorrow I will give it,’ when you have it with you.”

Here’s the point: don’t loan money to your friend, unless you want to lose that friendship. But if your friend is truly in need, and you have the power to help him, give freely and without obligation!